The Future of the Boredom
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Decemberists' "Picaresque"...better album than I'd previously realized!

Wow, so there we go. Pippin the Newt Act 5 is up, and though the artwork and scans are showing their age, I am thinking it is pretty dang funny.

Check it out, guys and gals!

https://boringrocks.tripod.com/pipbeth5_29.html

Now that that’s over, we’re sort of at a Boring, Rocky crossroads. I really want to continue with the Boring Rocks, and I bet there are at least four of you who agree with me.

 

The Boring Rocks certainly has a lot of problems, but I love it, and I realized I’ve been writing The Boring Rocks for longer than I haven’t been writing The Boring Rocks, which actually makes Fwubo my only “friend” from elementary school from whom I still “hear.” Geez. Unless you count Garlian.

 

So I don’t want to stop writing this. But what I would like is your help, and I think you’ll probably enjoy this anyway. Tell me! What play should Pippin do next? I was debating tackling Hamlet (with Pippin as the lead and Fwubo as Polonius, so they can battle it out again) or Richard III (with WOBBiE (the massive guy who was the Porter) as the lead), but maybe you want something by Brecht? Maybe you want to see Fwubo being forced to play the King of the Fairies?

But even more important than that is what else you want to see. Fr example, sample questions such as, which characters should be featured more often in Weeklies? Which character would you like to see less of? Is there something that bothers you about Fwubo? Do you wish Miranda C. was a recurring character? What jokes struck you as funny, and what didn’t? Should literature-themed humor be used more or less often? How awesome would a Billy Joel clone made only out of geometric shapes be?

 

Basically, I want to hear from you. The Boring Rocks has been about me, but it would be better if you guys could tell me of anything it needs more or less of. Let’s make this more about us.

 

So please! You can comment on this blog post, email me at boringrocks@yahoo.com , or even (hopefully by the end of today) join the Facebook group “I Bet The Boring Rocks Can’t Get More than 12 Fans.” It’s the Internet, guys. The age of feedback, and let’s feed.

James Cameron's Avatar--A Special Review for a Special Film
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Re: Your Brains by Jonathan Coulton. Download this song, guys. You need it.

 

 

            Recently, I had the fortune to watch what James Cameron, Roger Ebert, and about every other dude in the movie biz promised would be a life-changing, industry-changing masterpiece. I liked James Cameron’s Avatar, don’t get me wrong, but I ultimately found it a little disappointing. It also reminded me of something…sitting in the theater, I had a strange feeling that I’d seen this movie before, and it was probably when I was very little. Avatar, my friends, is Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest except live action. That much is obvious—even That Guy With the Glasses agrees with me. The question that remains is—what was a better Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest? I intend to answer this question using SCIENCE.

 

 HEADS UP THERE ARE SOME SPOILERS IN CATEGORY D. MOST ARE MINOR, BUT YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID THE LAST 3 POINTS.

Category A—Overview:

 

1. Main Concept:

JCA: Magical forest people live in giant tree in harmony with nature. Humans want to tear down tree for selfish reasons. One young man, allied with the magical forest people and the young woman of the forest people, stops them.

FG:  Magical forest fairy people live in giant tree in harmony with nature. Humans want to tear down tree for selfish reasons. One young man, allied with the magical forest fairy people and the young woman of the forest fairy people, stops them.

Winner: Draw

 

2. Cast:

JCA: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver

FG: Tim Curry, Jonathan Ward, Samantha Mathis, Robin Williams, Cheech, Chong

Winner: Fern Gully, solely because Tim Curry is consistently awesome.

 

3. Notable Other Films of Director:
JCA: James Cameron directed Titanic, Aliens, Terminator, and T2

FG: Bill Kroyer directed the amazing classics Computer Warriors and Technological Threat.

Winner: It was close, but I guess I’ll have to give it to Avatar.

 

Category A Subscore: Avatar: 1, Fern Gully: 1

 

Category B—Conceptual Elements:

 

4. Setting:
JCA: Magical far-off forest planet of Pandora

FG: Magical far-off forest planet of Australia

Winner: Avatar, because Pandora is a good radio station.

 

5. Everything on the Planet is:

JCA: Bioluminescent and/or hostile

FG: Bioluminescent and/or hostile

Winner: Draw.

 

6. People:

JCA: Eight-foot tall, almost-naked blue aliens.

FG: Five-inch tall fairies.

Winner: I cannot possibly give a point to either of these and consider myself sane.

 

7. Dangerous Wildlife:
JCA: Saber-toothed cat lizard hyenas

FG: A monitor lizard that sings a creepy song

Winner: This is a hard call. Both have their merits, but that song was much scarier than the lizard thing. Fern Gully by a nose.

 

8. Innocuous Wildlife:

JCA: Blue lemurs that made obnoxious noises

FG: Platypus, kangaroos, a cassowary with mental problems

Winner: Fern Gully, because platypuses are much better than pretty much all other animals like ever.

 

Category B Subscore: Avatar: 1, Fern Gully: 2

 

Category C—Plot Elements

 

9. Manner in Which Protagonist Transforms From Human to Magical Forest Person

JCA: Because of science!

FG: Because female lead said “fairy size” rather than “fairy sight” when saying a magical rhyme!

Winner: Avatar. Seriously, “sight” and “size” don’t even sound the same. Plus, hasn’t Abby Cadabby (http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Abby_Cadabby) taught us that magic doesn’t work unless it rhymes? Seriously now.

 

10. Flying Sidekick:

JCA: Flock of enormous pterodactyls.

FG: Robin Williams with a funny hat

Winner: Avatar, hands-down.

 

11. How Forced Was the Romance?:

JCA: Quite.

FG: Rather.

Winner: Fern Gully, on a scale of quite to rather.

 

12. How Angry Was the Chief-to-Be at the Protagonist?:

JCA: Pretty mad! He shouted a whole lot!

FG: Pretty mad! He sicced Cheech and Chong at him!

Winner: Surely siccing Cheech and Chong at someone is a surer, eviler sign of anger. Fern Gully.

 

Category C Subscore: Avatar: 2, Fern Gully: 2

 

Category D—Villainy, Plot Elements Continued

13. Villain:

JCA: Trigger-happy general stereotype

FG: A ball of slime that sounded like Nigel Thornberry on account of being voiced by Tim Curry

Winner: Tim Curry always wins. Fern Gully.

 

14. Villain’s Motivation:

JCA: Wants unobtanium (the made-up element with the dumbest name) and to show he’s right

FG: Apparently thrives off of destruction of the environment

Winner: Science has shown that it is impossible to give points to anything including “unobtanium.” Fern Gully.

 

15. Villain’s Song:

JCA: Surprisingly none.

FG: A catchy ditty about why pollution is best. Some verse about “acid rain pouring down.”

Winner: Fern Gully.

 

16. What the Villain Wants to Destroy:
JCA: A really big tree. I mean, this tree is really big.

FG: A less big tree.

Winner: Avatar. That tree was really big!

 

17. Villain’s Means:

JCA: A comically large bulldozer.

FG: A comically large bulldozer.

Winner: A comically large bulldozer.

 

18. Villain’s Second Strike:

JCA: Lots of planes.

FG: A comically large bulldozer.

Winner: Sorry Fern Gully, but the comically large bulldozer can only stay comical for so long.

 

19. Villain’s Final Strike:

JCA: A mech suit that resembled the villainous robot from RoboCop

FG: Tim Curry grows to an enormous size.

Winner: Fern Gully, because Tim Curry grew to an enormous size.

 

20. Villain Killed By:

JCA: An arrow tipped by a neurotoxin

FG: Magical fairy love

Winner: It is not physically possible to award points to “Magical Fairy Love.” Avatar.

 

Category D Subscore: Avatar: 2, Fern Gully: 5

 

Category E—Soundtrack and Visual Effects

 

21. Special Effects:

JCA: James Cameron’s incredibly high tech, state-of-the-art CGI and motion capture.

FG: Really bad early 90s hand-drawn animation.

Winner: Avatar.

 

22. Notable Songs Provided By:

JCA: James Horner, the guy who brought us the score to Titanic and A Beautiful Mind

FG: Raffi, the guy who brought us BananaPhone and Baby Beluga

Winner: Dude, we’re talking about freakin’ Raffi here! This guy invented the cheesy, kid-friendly novelty song! Fern Gully by a long shot!

 

23. Big Dance Scene:

JCA: Tribal chanting and praying to the tune of “I See You: Theme From Avatar”

FG: Fairies and friends do a groovy dance on top of a Walkman to the tune of “Tutti Frutti”

Winner: I can’t remember “I See You,” but “Tutti Frutti” has been stuck in my head since 1992. Fern Gully.

 

Category E Subscore: Avatar: 1, Fern Gully: 2

 

Category F—Miscellany

 

24. Preachy-ness, on a Scale of 1-10:

JCA: 7

FG: 9

Winner: Avatar, because 2.

 

25. Times Movie Got Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the U.S.A.” Stuck in my Head:

JCA: Once, during the “party” scene

FG: Never, Miley Cyrus wasn’t alive yet

Winner: Fern Gully, for being less like Hannah Montana.

 

Category F Subscore—Avatar: 1, Fern Gully: 1

 

Final Scores:

Avatar: 1+2+2+2+1+1 = 9

Fern Gully: 1+2+2+5+2+1 = 13

 

So there you have it. Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest is obviously a much better movie than James Cameron's Avatar, by 4 Goodness Points!

 

*See? I'm feeling BLUE in this post? Ha ha ha ha, I'm here sporadically!

Frustration
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Pandora Radio--right now it's playing the Arctic Monkeys

You know what's frustrating? When the internet deletes a quality blog post that was actually quite funny.

 

Believe it, it happened to me.

 

Ugh. I'll rewrite it later.

Today's Observation
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: "Summer in the City" by the Lovin' Spoonful

Today I saw a girl wearing a shirt that left her midriff exposed. This is nothing new, but she had a massive bandage covering her belly-button--I suppose she had recently gotten it pierced.

 

It's good to know that the fahsion statement pioneered by bosses in early Nintendo games has not gone out of fashion. I contemplated throwing an egg at her, or punching her in the gut when she wasn't blocking, but decided that would be uncouth.

Pumpki Returns
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: "I'm Mad" by the Presidents of the USA

The following post is posted by the Boring Rocks' one and only film critic extraordinaire, Pumpki. As usual in Pumpki's reviews, some spoilers are possible. If you don't want to have a year-old NickCage movie spoiled for you, you are probably psychotic though.

 

Film: Knowing

Grade: .5/4

 

Y'know what I hate about SG's Tripod website? There is no way to set my emotion as ANGRY. Are people never angry in Tripod's magical green circle? I mean, I tried to tune you guys in by stealing Ghosti's iPod and cranking PUSA's "I'm Mad," but c'mon, I'm furious.

 

Why am I furious? This time, it's because of Nicholas Cage. Intriguingly, last time it was also about Nicholas Cage, and the time before that as well. Nicholas Cage has not been in a good movie in ages, and this time, he's hit a new low.

 

I have a rule about movies. Well, if you know me, you'll know I have dozens of rules about movies. But Rule Numero Uno is as follows--If your movie would have the same ending whether or not your main character was ever born or anyone, for that matter, ever did anything your main character did, your movie sucks. Simple. Nicholas Cage is on a quest to figure out a pattern of numbers--a pattern of numbers that has predicted every major natural disaster for 50 years. Nick Cage manages to figure this out. He manages to go to the site of all upcoming natural disaster, but fails to make a difference. Then the world is getting exploded, and Nicholas Cage can't possibly do anything, so everyone in the world dies. The end. Knowing the date of the apocalypse is stupid if you are not Superman or Thor. If you are Nick Cage, this is useless.

 

Useless is a good buzzword to describe the entire plot of this film, now that I think of it. The list of numbers is given to a FREAKY HORROR MOVIE GIRL by the FOUR SPACEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE. Why do they give her the list of the disasters? There is no good reason. The list is useless. There is nothing she can do. Even when the list is shared with THE CHOSEN ONE (oh boy, a chosen one, am I right?), there is nothing he can do. Yes, he's supposed to leave the world on the apocalypse, but whether or not he's ready isn't really important now is it, considering the SPACEMEN have a LARGE SPACESHIP OF THE APOCALYPSE. Plus, they continue to telegraph this list even after everyone knows about it.

 

 Throughout the movie, these aforementioned SPACEMEN leave SMOOTH ROCKS, or as Ghosti calls them, APOCALYPSE PEBBLES (which, incidentally, is the A-Side of our local band's new EP). These rocks serve no purpose. They are useless. They do not protect you from the apocalypse. They do not survive the apocalypse. No one even chucks them at passerby. 

 

At the end of the day, the world is fried, and our only hope is two HORROR MOVIE KIDS and a pair of rabbits. Yup. 

 

If you are still intrigued by this, you may want to check to make sure you know what the word "intrigue" means. Add bad acting, generic horror tropes, and some of the crappiest CGI since computers started GI'ing, and you've got a Nick Cage movie.

 

In case you're wondering, the half-a-star was given because the world fries in a pretty cool manner. Chalk it up to the REN scale, eh?

 

Wolverine Week Entry #4
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: You don't want to know...okay, it's old Sesame Street stuff

Recently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.

 

 

Reviewer 4: Ananas—the Friend Who Tagged Along But Didn’t Know Anything about X-Men

Grade: 2.25/4

 

            Coming in to this movie, I knew nothing about the X-Men. Well, I mean, I knew that they were Superman’s friends and all, but I don’t think I could have named any of them, aside from Robin, who I guess wasn’t in this film.

            Before I walked into this movie, I had Ghosti explain the series to me, because I wanted to know what I’d missed in the last three movies. Apparently all you had to know coming into this movie is that some people are mutants and that gives them superpowers. For some reason, no one likes the mutants, and so they are all grumpy. Wolverine is a particularly grumpy mutant and so he likes to beat people up. So knowing that, I can say that Wolverine was an all right movie. It was pretty action-packed, and the special effects were nice. Of course, I was utterly confused by the plot. Mutants? I’m not much of a science guy, but I’m pretty sure there’s no scientific way a guy can use a light bulb without plugging it in.

            Also, who was the bald guy? Why did the angry one have to forget who he was? And most importantly, who wrote that ending? I won’t spoil it, but I think it’s enough to say that it was really really bad, like really really really bad. Have you ever been to the dentist, and then when you’re done your turbo pogo-stick hits a pothole so you fall and bruise yourself and then you realize you’re locked out of your apartment so you have to spend the evening sleeping on Clamper’s desk in the lobby of the studios? Well, it was sort of like that, only less painful and more disappointing. Basically, this was a confusing and disappointing movie unless you are familiar with the X-Mans. But the often-senseless action did inspire me to do about sixteen new stunts. So I guess the middle part was fun.

            So in conclusion, that’s how you can build a flowerpot solely out of recycled milk jugs! Tune in next week when I’ll explain how to cook beans without actually using beans!

Wolverine Week Entry #3
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: a music song

Recently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews (not this one, though). Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.

 

Reviewer 3: O-Fwubb—the One Who’d Rather Talk About the Trailers

Grade: N/A

 

            So I saw The Wolfman Fights Malcolm X with Fwubo and some of our friends over the weekend, and I thought it was pretty okay! That Wolfman did fight, but I’m fairly certain Taylor Kitsch may have been the worst Malcolm X I’ve seen in a movie since Kelsey Grammar played him in Malcolm X’s Last Stand a few years back.

            There were some cool trailers before this movie, though! I especially liked the one where the talking film strip told me to shut up and turn off my cell phone.

            I also liked the one for the movie where the robotic unicycle destroyed a city, and the one where the Egyptians attack Washington DC with the help of Oscar the Grouch and Darth Vader. There was also a pretty funny one where Adam Sandler played Adam Sandler, except terminally ill (which in retrospect doesn’t seem very funny). There was also one where aliens were in South Africa and also a squirrel who chased an acorn. I think I’ve seen that squirrel somewhere before, and I think he was chasing an acorn then too. I assume it was different then. So yeah, there are a lot of movies I’m now excited for! I have to ask Ananas if he has a robotic unicycle for me to borrow.

 

 

Wolverine Week Entry #2
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: some Earthbound stuff

Recently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review today. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.

 

Reviewer 2: Ghosti—the Guy Who Can’t Get Over What Happened to Deadpool

Grade: 2.5/4

 

            This movie was okay, I guess. I mean, if you want to read what’s right about it, you could always just read Pumpki’s review—he’s usually pretty astute and points out cool stuff in capital letters for your convenience.

            But I did not like this movie because they butchered Deadpool, and I mean both literally and figuratively. I guess the literal part is okay, because how else are you going to beat Deadpool? But seriously Marvel, you sewed shut the mouth of a character who’s known for being the Merc with a Mouth! You took away his costume and replaced it with Heath-Ledger wannabe makeup! You gave him laser eyes and sword hands! You made his name a pun on gene pool! You got rid of his eyelids! You drew on him with Sharpie! You made him a zombie! HE SPEAKS SWAHILI! Okay, I can accept that. But he’s a science experiment gone awry now! Marvel, did you want him to be the Abomination, because I had Incredible Hulk déjà-vu when watching this. Here’s a protip from yours truly, Gavin Hood. You should try to avoid making us remember the Hulk. You get it?

            Guys, this was a fast-talkin’, kick-awesome ninja! Did you think that wouldn’t sell tickets? He’s like Naruto, only epic! Kids love ninjas these days! Kids love fast-talkin’, high-rollin’, sarcastic-action ninjas! You had that, and you made him a bleedin’ bleeding lobotomy patient! Kids these days do not like bleedin’ bleeding lobotomy patients! So yeah, they killed Deadpool in too many ways for me to be happy with this movie. And don’t even get me started on Gambit.

 

Wolverine Week Entry #1
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: The old X-Men theme song from the old X-Men program, of course

Recently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.

 

Reviewer 1: Pumpki—the Action Lover Who Actually Watches Movies

Grade: 3/4

 

Let’s get this out of the way before I begin, because I know you’re all thinking it. This is an action movie, so how did it rank on the patented Pumpki REN Scale? For those not in the know, the REN scale evaluates a film for its amount of Robots, Explosions, and Ninjas. This film had some explosions, and it had a ninja, but there were surprisingly no robots—who was the freakin’ genius who dropped the Sentinel? Did he get stuck on the train with Stan Lee and both not make it over in time for filming? I have to assume that, because no director would have said “Less thirty-foot high robots, more fat guys with boxing gloves.” If I wanted that, I’d have stayed home and played Super Punch Out.

            Though it’s on shaky footing for not having robots (geez, even Superman IV had robots! I think!), Wolverine was a decidedly awesome experience. I mean, this is a guy who runs around and DOES NOT STOP DESTROYING! You shoot him, and he does not stop! He just explodes you! By the end of the movie, Wolverine and Sabretooth had killed so many people that I’d wonder who’d be left to be in the next movie if it weren’t for the fact that, hey, it’s the X-Men, the only series with more main characters than the Boring Rocks.

            As for the movie’s movie-worthiness, um, there might have been a plot, but I think Gambit exploded it. I lost it somewhere around the point that Wolverine punched out a guy with boxing gloves with claws on them. I think it involved vengeance, and being vengeful, and possibly revenge. I mean, I’d think it would be possible to have a movie with explosions and a plot. But I guess if I had a choice of watching Wolverine brood or watching Sabretooth rip Wraith’s spinal cord out, I’d choose the latter. I mean, this is a guy who RIPPED KESTREL’S SPINE OUT!

            With that said, I would recommend this movie to people who like action movies, even if they don’t have robots in them. I’d also like to toss out this idea to any cartoonists reading this—Stan Lee and a Sentinel, trapped on a train. Draw it.

HE'S BAA-A-A-ACK!
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: "You're Gonna Lose That Girl" by The Beatles

Sorry for the late update, but I had to finish an English paper on Richard III, which prevented me from scanning any comics about Shakespeare.

 

But now there are! Pippin Act IV is up and running! Check it out, gang!