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accident proneYou know what's frustrating? When the internet deletes a quality blog post that was actually quite funny.
Believe it, it happened to me.
Ugh. I'll rewrite it later.
sharpToday I saw a girl wearing a shirt that left her midriff exposed. This is nothing new, but she had a massive bandage covering her belly-button--I suppose she had recently gotten it pierced.
It's good to know that the fahsion statement pioneered by bosses in early Nintendo games has not gone out of fashion. I contemplated throwing an egg at her, or punching her in the gut when she wasn't blocking, but decided that would be uncouth.
not sureThe following post is posted by the Boring Rocks' one and only film critic extraordinaire, Pumpki. As usual in Pumpki's reviews, some spoilers are possible. If you don't want to have a year-old NickCage movie spoiled for you, you are probably psychotic though.
Film: Knowing
Grade: .5/4
Y'know what I hate about SG's Tripod website? There is no way to set my emotion as ANGRY. Are people never angry in Tripod's magical green circle? I mean, I tried to tune you guys in by stealing Ghosti's iPod and cranking PUSA's "I'm Mad," but c'mon, I'm furious.
Why am I furious? This time, it's because of Nicholas Cage. Intriguingly, last time it was also about Nicholas Cage, and the time before that as well. Nicholas Cage has not been in a good movie in ages, and this time, he's hit a new low.
I have a rule about movies. Well, if you know me, you'll know I have dozens of rules about movies. But Rule Numero Uno is as follows--If your movie would have the same ending whether or not your main character was ever born or anyone, for that matter, ever did anything your main character did, your movie sucks. Simple. Nicholas Cage is on a quest to figure out a pattern of numbers--a pattern of numbers that has predicted every major natural disaster for 50 years. Nick Cage manages to figure this out. He manages to go to the site of all upcoming natural disaster, but fails to make a difference. Then the world is getting exploded, and Nicholas Cage can't possibly do anything, so everyone in the world dies. The end. Knowing the date of the apocalypse is stupid if you are not Superman or Thor. If you are Nick Cage, this is useless.
Useless is a good buzzword to describe the entire plot of this film, now that I think of it. The list of numbers is given to a FREAKY HORROR MOVIE GIRL by the FOUR SPACEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE. Why do they give her the list of the disasters? There is no good reason. The list is useless. There is nothing she can do. Even when the list is shared with THE CHOSEN ONE (oh boy, a chosen one, am I right?), there is nothing he can do. Yes, he's supposed to leave the world on the apocalypse, but whether or not he's ready isn't really important now is it, considering the SPACEMEN have a LARGE SPACESHIP OF THE APOCALYPSE. Plus, they continue to telegraph this list even after everyone knows about it.
Throughout the movie, these aforementioned SPACEMEN leave SMOOTH ROCKS, or as Ghosti calls them, APOCALYPSE PEBBLES (which, incidentally, is the A-Side of our local band's new EP). These rocks serve no purpose. They are useless. They do not protect you from the apocalypse. They do not survive the apocalypse. No one even chucks them at passerby.
At the end of the day, the world is fried, and our only hope is two HORROR MOVIE KIDS and a pair of rabbits. Yup.
If you are still intrigued by this, you may want to check to make sure you know what the word "intrigue" means. Add bad acting, generic horror tropes, and some of the crappiest CGI since computers started GI'ing, and you've got a Nick Cage movie.
In case you're wondering, the half-a-star was given because the world fries in a pretty cool manner. Chalk it up to the REN scale, eh?
bright
Recently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.
Reviewer 4: Ananas—the Friend Who Tagged Along But Didn’t Know Anything about X-Men
Grade: 2.25/4
Coming in to this movie, I knew nothing about the X-Men. Well, I mean, I knew that they were Superman’s friends and all, but I don’t think I could have named any of them, aside from Robin, who I guess wasn’t in this film.
Before I walked into this movie, I had Ghosti explain the series to me, because I wanted to know what I’d missed in the last three movies. Apparently all you had to know coming into this movie is that some people are mutants and that gives them superpowers. For some reason, no one likes the mutants, and so they are all grumpy. Wolverine is a particularly grumpy mutant and so he likes to beat people up. So knowing that, I can say that Wolverine was an all right movie. It was pretty action-packed, and the special effects were nice. Of course, I was utterly confused by the plot. Mutants? I’m not much of a science guy, but I’m pretty sure there’s no scientific way a guy can use a light bulb without plugging it in.
Also, who was the bald guy? Why did the angry one have to forget who he was? And most importantly, who wrote that ending? I won’t spoil it, but I think it’s enough to say that it was really really bad, like really really really bad. Have you ever been to the dentist, and then when you’re done your turbo pogo-stick hits a pothole so you fall and bruise yourself and then you realize you’re locked out of your apartment so you have to spend the evening sleeping on Clamper’s desk in the lobby of the studios? Well, it was sort of like that, only less painful and more disappointing. Basically, this was a confusing and disappointing movie unless you are familiar with the X-Mans. But the often-senseless action did inspire me to do about sixteen new stunts. So I guess the middle part was fun.
So in conclusion, that’s how you can build a flowerpot solely out of recycled milk jugs! Tune in next week when I’ll explain how to cook beans without actually using beans!
coolRecently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews (not this one, though). Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.
Reviewer 3: O-Fwubb—the One Who’d Rather Talk About the Trailers
Grade: N/A
So I saw The Wolfman Fights Malcolm X with Fwubo and some of our friends over the weekend, and I thought it was pretty okay! That Wolfman did fight, but I’m fairly certain Taylor Kitsch may have been the worst Malcolm X I’ve seen in a movie since Kelsey Grammar played him in Malcolm X’s Last Stand a few years back.
There were some cool trailers before this movie, though! I especially liked the one where the talking film strip told me to shut up and turn off my cell phone.
I also liked the one for the movie where the robotic unicycle destroyed a city, and the one where the Egyptians attack Washington DC with the help of Oscar the Grouch and Darth Vader. There was also a pretty funny one where Adam Sandler played Adam Sandler, except terminally ill (which in retrospect doesn’t seem very funny). There was also one where aliens were in South Africa and also a squirrel who chased an acorn. I think I’ve seen that squirrel somewhere before, and I think he was chasing an acorn then too. I assume it was different then. So yeah, there are a lot of movies I’m now excited for! I have to ask Ananas if he has a robotic unicycle for me to borrow.
on fireRecently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review today. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.
Reviewer 2: Ghosti—the Guy Who Can’t Get Over What Happened to Deadpool
Grade: 2.5/4
This movie was okay, I guess. I mean, if you want to read what’s right about it, you could always just read Pumpki’s review—he’s usually pretty astute and points out cool stuff in capital letters for your convenience.
But I did not like this movie because they butchered Deadpool, and I mean both literally and figuratively. I guess the literal part is okay, because how else are you going to beat Deadpool? But seriously Marvel, you sewed shut the mouth of a character who’s known for being the Merc with a Mouth! You took away his costume and replaced it with Heath-Ledger wannabe makeup! You gave him laser eyes and sword hands! You made his name a pun on gene pool! You got rid of his eyelids! You drew on him with Sharpie! You made him a zombie! HE SPEAKS SWAHILI! Okay, I can accept that. But he’s a science experiment gone awry now! Marvel, did you want him to be the Abomination, because I had Incredible Hulk déjà-vu when watching this. Here’s a protip from yours truly, Gavin Hood. You should try to avoid making us remember the Hulk. You get it?
Guys, this was a fast-talkin’, kick-awesome ninja! Did you think that wouldn’t sell tickets? He’s like Naruto, only epic! Kids love ninjas these days! Kids love fast-talkin’, high-rollin’, sarcastic-action ninjas! You had that, and you made him a bleedin’ bleeding lobotomy patient! Kids these days do not like bleedin’ bleeding lobotomy patients! So yeah, they killed Deadpool in too many ways for me to be happy with this movie. And don’t even get me started on Gambit.
a-okRecently, the cast of the Boring Rocks were invited to attend a showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Don’t think they were invited by the studio; they were invited by their friend WOBBiE. Anyway, this week will be Wolverine Week here on Boredom’s Reach, as Pumpki, Groundi, Ananas and the others post their reviews of this CINEMATIC MISTERPIECE! Be warned, though—some plot elements may be spoiled by reading these reviews. Especially in Ghosti’s review on Tuesday. Another, fourth-wall breaking apology in advance for the fact that I seem to be channeling Chester A. Bum over here.
Reviewer 1: Pumpki—the Action Lover Who Actually Watches Movies
Grade: 3/4
Let’s get this out of the way before I begin, because I know you’re all thinking it. This is an action movie, so how did it rank on the patented Pumpki REN Scale? For those not in the know, the REN scale evaluates a film for its amount of Robots, Explosions, and Ninjas. This film had some explosions, and it had a ninja, but there were surprisingly no robots—who was the freakin’ genius who dropped the Sentinel? Did he get stuck on the train with Stan Lee and both not make it over in time for filming? I have to assume that, because no director would have said “Less thirty-foot high robots, more fat guys with boxing gloves.” If I wanted that, I’d have stayed home and played Super Punch Out.
Though it’s on shaky footing for not having robots (geez, even Superman IV had robots! I think!), Wolverine was a decidedly awesome experience. I mean, this is a guy who runs around and DOES NOT STOP DESTROYING! You shoot him, and he does not stop! He just explodes you! By the end of the movie, Wolverine and Sabretooth had killed so many people that I’d wonder who’d be left to be in the next movie if it weren’t for the fact that, hey, it’s the X-Men, the only series with more main characters than the Boring Rocks.
As for the movie’s movie-worthiness, um, there might have been a plot, but I think Gambit exploded it. I lost it somewhere around the point that Wolverine punched out a guy with boxing gloves with claws on them. I think it involved vengeance, and being vengeful, and possibly revenge. I mean, I’d think it would be possible to have a movie with explosions and a plot. But I guess if I had a choice of watching Wolverine brood or watching Sabretooth rip Wraith’s spinal cord out, I’d choose the latter. I mean, this is a guy who RIPPED KESTREL’S SPINE OUT!
With that said, I would recommend this movie to people who like action movies, even if they don’t have robots in them. I’d also like to toss out this idea to any cartoonists reading this—Stan Lee and a Sentinel, trapped on a train. Draw it.
caffeinatedSorry for the late update, but I had to finish an English paper on Richard III, which prevented me from scanning any comics about Shakespeare.
But now there are! Pippin Act IV is up and running! Check it out, gang!
surprisedA new comic! Sorry for the spelling error! That's the problem with hand-writing your comics too late at night, I guess. Oh well, even a grammar freak like Fwubo can make mistakes, right? Right?
~SG
spacey"Hey guys, it's Copycat from The Boring Rocks. I spent all of yesterday editting the site's formatting so it's more user-friendly. I did this because, let's face it, what else was I going to do? I wanted to make sure that everyone knows, if there's any problems, please send either me or Ghosti an email (or you can be logical and send it to SG himself...) at boringrocks@yahoo.com.
Stay frosty!"
~Copycat, comic strip character and tech support
